After dating a guy for a long time, you might be
eager to drop the highly anticipated L-bomb. When
you’re head-over-heels in love with someone, you
want to scream it from the rooftops, for goodness
sakes! That’s why it can be pretty frustrating when
your boyfriend is reluctant to express his feelings of
love toward you, no matter how strong your feelings
are for him. In fact, you might not even know if he
loves you at all!
But just because he isn’t saying those three little
words doesn’t mean that his love for you isn’t there.
There could be plenty of signs that your guy is
digging you just as much as you’re digging him –
you just might not be noticing them!
After all, actions speak louder than words, right?
Why Isn’t He Saying It?
Just because a guy doesn’t say it doesn’t mean it’s
not true! There could be many things holding your
guy back from saying “I love you.”
Reason #1: He’s afraid of being rejected
Fear of rejection could be a huge factor in why your
significant other isn’t showering you with love.
Denise Christopher, a dating and relationship coach
and founder of the love and date consulting website
denisechristopher.com , says that you shouldn’t
worry if your guy hasn’t said “I love you” yet. “Guys
are no different than women when it comes to
rejection; they too have a great fear of being
rejected,” she says.
Let’s face it – dealing with rejection is no fun. No
one wants to say “I love you” and not have those
same feelings returned. Your boyfriend may be
worried that you don’t feel the same way and won’t
reciprocate his proclamation of love, which could be
a big factor in why he’s holding back.
“I dated my girlfriend for six months before I told
her I loved her,” says Scott*, a sophomore at the
University of Washington. “I knew I loved her after
about three months, but I was so afraid to tell her
that I just couldn’t say it. I had no idea if she loved
me and I didn’t want to get rejected. That would just
be awkward.”
Reason #2: He had a bad past relationship
Unhealthy relationships from the past could also be
a contributing factor. “Everyone has emotional
baggage, and often deep hurt can effect your guy’s
decision to say ‘I love you,’” Christopher says.
A terrible breakup or an unhealthy relationship can
really take a toll on someone both mentally and
emotionally. If your guy had his heart broken in the
past, he may be scared to tell you he loves you in
fear that your relationship will have the same
heartbreaking ending. Fear of repeating the past can
cause a guy to take a step back and assess the
relationship to make sure he’s really committed to it
before he takes it further.
“My last serious relationship ended really badly,
and it was hard to recover from,” says Liam*, a
sophomore at Washington State University. “I
casually dated a few girls after it, but I never fully
committed myself to them because I was always
worried that they’d just end up like my last one.
Getting your heart broken is no fun, and whenever I
get involved with a girl, I always think about that.”
Reason #3: He doesn’t know how to say it
Maybe your guy is totally, madly in love with you,
but he’s struggling to find the right way to say it.
After all, it’s a pretty big deal and it comes with a lot
of pressure! “Most guys aren’t as verbally
expressive as women,” Christopher says. “Your
guy may be feeling challenged to actually say the
words ‘I love you.’”
While it may seem like a simple thing to say, a lot of
guys find it very stressful and straight-up nerve-
wracking.
“Like I said, I was absolutely terrified to tell my
girlfriend that I love her,” Scott says. “I had never
said it to a girl before and I wanted it to be special,
but I had no idea how to say it or when to say it or
where. I didn’t know if I should tell her casually or
take her out to a fancy dinner or make some big,
romantic gesture or something. I thought about it
way too much, which is probably why it took me so
long!”
How Can You Tell if He Loves You?
Even if he hasn’t expressed his love for you
verbally, there could be plenty of nonverbal signs
that he’s totally in love with you. If you’re on the
lookout for clues that he’s in
L-O-V-E with you, watch out for one of these
signs!
Sign #1: He makes you a priority
When you become an important part of his day-to-
day life, that’s a pretty good sign that he’s feeling
some love for you. Taking time out of each day to
catch up with you, planning weekly dates and being
attentive to your needs are all signs that you’re
becoming a priority in his life.
“I know you never want to be that guy that blows off
his friends, but when I started dating my girlfriend, I
noticed that I didn’t mind ditching ‘guy time’ to hang
out with her,” says Cameron*, a sophomore at
Seattle University. “When you love a girl, you make
sure you have time to see her no matter what; it’s
just what you do!”
When he makes time in his busy schedule of
friends, school and sports just to make sure he can
see you, that’s a good sign that you’re a real
priority in his life.
Sign #2: He talks to you about the future
When you think about the future, you always factor
in the people you love, so when your guy brings up
the future to you, there’s a good chance that you’re
one of those loved ones! Christopher says there’s a
definite possibility that he loves you if he “talks to
you about the future using the words ‘we’ or ‘us’
instead of ‘I’ or ‘me,’ sometimes without even
realizing it.”
Even if the future plans are just hypothetical, it’s
still a big sign that he imagines you being in his life
for a long time.
“My boyfriend took SO long to tell me that he loved
me,” says Hannah, a junior at the University of
Washington. “I was getting really frustrated because
we had been dating for several months, but one day
he told me that he was thinking about places that
we could move to after graduation and I was kind of
taken aback. When I realized he was factoring me
into his future plans, it made me feel a lot better.
Even though he hadn’t said it yet, I knew he loved
me—he just needed some time!”
Sign # 3: He keeps you close
Unspoken displays of affection can be a big
indicator that a guy has some pretty strong feelings
for you – mainly, his body language when you two
are out together in public.
Christopher says there’s a good chance he loves
you if “he keeps you close, walks next to you and
has no hesitation to show a public display of
affection (i.e., holding your hands, placing his hand
at the lower part of your back or giving you butterfly
kisses). All this not only lets you know he’s into
you, but also lets others know he’s not available.”
When a guy loves you, he wants everyone to know
that you’re his girl, which is why these subtle
displays of affection can hold a lot of meaning!
Sign #4: He actively listens to you talk about your
day
Any guy can pretend to listen about your day, but
when a guy loves you he’ll actually listen. Why?
Because he wants to!
If he loves you, he’ll want to know about how your
day was and how he can make it better. He’ll be
there for support when you’re having a pretty
crappy day or happy for you when you got an A on
that big test of yours. If you notice he’s really
engaged when you’re telling him personal stories or
he asks a lot of pertinent questions, it’s a good sign
that he’s heading towards those feelings of love.
“When you love someone, you want to know about
their day because you actually care,” says Patrick*,
a junior at Gonzaga University. “It also makes you
want to open up to them more, too, and share
personal stories about yourself. I tell my girlfriend
things I wouldn’t be able to tell my guy friends or
my siblings because I know she cares and I feel
comfortable telling her.”
Talking to you about his day may also be a sign that
he loves you. When he shares personal stories with
you and values your input, it says a lot about his
feelings for you.
Sign #5: You meet his extended family
Meeting the family is a big deal, so when he takes
you home for Thanksgiving or introduces you to his
grandparents, don’t take it lightly! Most guys
wouldn’t introduce their significant others to their
relatives unless they were really serious about
them.
“I would never let a girl meet all my relatives unless
I knew I loved her and saw a future with her,”
Cameron says. “If you bring a girl home to meet
your whole family, they all usually assume it’s
pretty serious. I know my relatives still ask me
about my ex-girlfriend ALL the time because I
brought her to one of my family reunions a few
years ago. It’s not worth it to just bring any girl
home; she’s got to be special.”
Should You Say it First?
If you’ve picked up on some of these signs and
you’re getting the feeling that he loves you too,
should you go ahead and drop the L-bomb first? It
may be tempting – someone has to take initiative
and say it, after all! Before you go ahead and
express your undying love for him, however, you
may want to take a step back and look at the
reason why you’re so eager to say “I love you.”
“If you are saying ‘I love you’ only in hopes to be
reassured about the relationship and hear the
words back so you can feel secure... don’t do it,”
Christopher says. “He will likely sense where this
declaration is really coming from and begin to feel
pressured or manipulated.”
If you need to hear the words “I love you” just so
you can feel more secure about yourself, then
dropping the first L-bomb may not be in your (or
his) best interests. You don’t want to pressure him
into saying something he doesn’t necessarily feel
yet. If you want to say it just to satisfy your own
ego, then it may be best to wait.
On the other hand, there’s nothing wrong with
saying “I love you” first if you truly can’t contain
your love. “If you are truly secure and are bursting
at the seams, struggling to hold back those words
every time you see him… go for it,” Christopher
says. “Know, though, that you are ready to express
your feelings because they are what they are, and
be confident with the possibility that the words may
not be returned.”
Although you may get the response you were
hoping for, you should be okay if he can’t quite
return the feelings yet! You should only say “I love
you” if that’s how you really feel. Don’t expect
anything in return; just hope for the best! If you truly
do love him, you should be willing to wait until he
can figure out his feelings and say he loves you
when he really feels it. You don’t want him to say
something he doesn’t mean just to please you.
If you find yourself stressing because your guy
hasn’t said those three important words yet, don’t
worry! The love could be there; he may just not be
ready to say it yet.